Losing Davis.......Finding me

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Help from a Hobbit!

"How long will it take until my child's death doesn't consume me?" I ask myself that everyday. I ask heavenly father how long I will be angry over this. His passing seems to consume every aspect of my life. Every time I bear my testimony,every lesson I give in Sunday school, every time I am having a bad day,every time I blog,it seems that it all comes back to losing Davis. I wonder if the lord is just waiting on me,to humble myself,and accept the fact that this is something I have to just trust with him. I received some comfort last week from a not so obvious place. A hobbit!lol I know,sounds crazy but listening to this silly hobbit,in this silly movie,actually made sense to me. It actually was like a huge "light bulb" going off in my head moment. I had bought the Lord of the rings trilogy for a whopping $6 ,during the black Friday sale. I really hadn't ever wanted to watch it,but hey for 6 dollars,who wouldn't want to buy it.lol Last week I decided I wanted to finally watch it,. At the end of this great movie,this statement stood out most to me, Froto Baggins says “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back. There are some things that time can not mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold.” That was me.....I understood that there is no going back.......This hurt is to deep and time cannot heal my heart. I also understood that,although my heart cannot be healed from this great loss,I know that it is not a permanent loss to me. I am so grateful for the gospel and all that I have learned from its teachings. Although this trial has hurt my heart irreversably,I have also became stronger because of it. I am learning more about me and about our loving heavenly father. I have learned that our savior has suffered the pain and agony of every mother and father who has had to bury their child. Every widow who has had to go on alone,every tragedy anyone in this entire world has had to face,the savior has felt those pains,and mourned those losses. I have learned that, the only way to true peace in this lone and dreary world,is through him. C.S. Lewis says it best,when he says
"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." There is no peace without him,there is no comfort but through him. Money,time,people cannot heal my loss,it is only God. Although his death seems to consume my life,it is not always for the bad. Because of this loss,it is like I have found myself. I don't get so upset about things that are not important,I love more,I take things for granted less ,and I live each day,praying for the strength to just get through the learning and testing,that comes with this earthly life. I have began to find myself and find what is important,and what is not. So since almost this entire blog(if you haven't noticed.) is about my life since he left,I am changing the name. I am learning that it is OK if this loss has affect me so much that it consumes my life,because it is pushing me closer to God! Which is where I need to be.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

HATE.......

Woke up the other night, and the thought came to my mind...... "My child has died"....... It made my heart stop,it made it hard to breathe,like it was the first time I ever heard that. I HATE not being able to shake this feeling of helplessness.....of overwhelming sorrow. I HATE that when people ask me how many kids I have,I hesitate. 5.... I have 5....... I hate that I have to explain. I dont want to leave him out......I HATE that he would have been 3 next week,and I cant hold him. I HATE the cemetary!!! I HATE that I have to go there!!!!! I HATE driving passed that stupid place. I HATE that I feel guilty for not going to the cemetary more. I HATE all of the thoughts of WHAT IF! What if I was more faithful, would god have put me through such a hard trial? What if I have been a better person? What if I had been a better mother? What if I had checked on him sooner? I HATE that I am not a better mom. I HATE that I cant make my other children enough to be happy and whole again. I HATE that I have to go through these "anniversaries" for the rest of my life.....I HATE that I will never have full peace for the rest of my life on this earth. I HATE that I am forgetting him.......the memories seem so long ago. I wish I could fast foreward through this life,watch what happens and skip through the emotions....I HATE this dreadful feeling!!!! I HATE that I have to keep on going. I HATE that I cant just sleep the days away, where my mind can be in peace,forgetting what has happened. I envy the people I work for. they are old and their journies are almost done. This life is hard.......it is to long.....and its making me BITTER!!!! I HATE that I feel ungrateful for what I have. I am so blessed,but the sorrow sometimes(like right now) covers up the blessings. My heart hurts so bad that I cant see the joy.........but I do know its there......C.S Lewis wrote when his wife dies "Am I grieving in circles? or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if on a spiral,am I going up or down it? How often will the vast emptiness astonish me?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

"Blessed are they that mourn"

So since my son passed away, every prayer that I say always ends with the plea of no more tragedy in my life. I pray for life to go on as simple and free from sorrows as it can get. What a plea huh! Until one day I was reading some quotes from one of my favorite authors C.S. Lewis. And the quote says " We were promised sufferings, they were part of the program. We were even told, blessed are they that mourn." It was so familiar to me when I came across this quote, because the night that my son passed, I remember holding him in my arms. I was in the room with him for about 20 minutes before anyone from my family got to the hospital,and I remember telling the nurses that god was a liar. I remember screaming that out loud hoping that the lord could hear me. And when the nurse finally asked me what I ment I told her, the lord said he would only give us what we could handle, and this was by far beyond what I could handle. I was so angry with the lord, I was furious that he would take my child from me. But as soon as those words left my mouth, it was like I got a flash back of the pre-existence. I know it may sound crazy but its like I remembered the promises that I was making with the lord, before I came to this world. I imagined the lord saying that there were spirits who only needed to come down for a while, and if there were mothers who would take them,knowing the heartache they would go through,when that spirit was called home. I pictured myself stepping forward and saying, "Me, I will take one." I then imagined the lord showing me that exact moment that I was going through, showing me the scenes from the hospital,when they worked on my son,until there was nothing left to be done and then telling me that he had passed. I pictured the lord saying to me"This is what it is like when he is called home,are you sure you want to do this?" For a moment, maybe even half a moment, I had peace in that hospital room, somehow knowing that this spirit was ment to come to me,that somehow I was preordained to the mother to this sweet little child who only needed a body, who only needed to be here for but a moment, compared to the time I will get with him in the eternities. I think of Emma Smith and all of the trials and tribulations that she witnessed in her time on earth. All of the sweet spirits she lost far to early. In one of C.S Lewis' books he talks about how people go through the "peaks" and the "troughs", meaning times of joy and times of sorrow and mourning, and he tells how people turn to the lord more during the troughs. He also talks about how the lord puts many of his favorites through many troughs. I believe that the troughs make us stronger. They prepare us for the glory and responsibility which lays ahead in the after life. When my son passed away, I began reading many of the teachings of the prophets books, and I found that not only Joseph Smith, but many other prophets have had children who have passed away.I think the lord puts us through trials to give us experiences not only for ourselves but for any one we may come into contact with that we might be able to help with going through that same "trough." It makes me happy to know that Emma Smith is now with all of her sweet spirits who she was away from during her mortal life, I can imagine her up there now, filled with so much joy,that those memories of all the "troughs" ,she suffered are just that...... memories,forgotten and replaced by peace! So through this quote by C.s. Lewis, I am once again learning that it is not my will but the lords will that I must go by. So rather than pray for no more sorrow, no more sadness, no more tragedy, I can just pray for the strength and faith to get passed whatever the lord sees fit to put me through, because "We were promised sufferings, they were a part of the program, we were even told, Blessed are those who mourn"........

Saturday, March 27, 2010

"He is not here; for he is risen."

If any of you have ever been in my home, you can say that I have alot of pictures. I love to take my favorite pictures of my babies and put them through out the house. These children are what I live for. They are what keep me going. But in my home, there is a picture that is by far my favorite. It is not one of my husband and I when we were dating and I was thin.lol Or even of my first born son. It is a simple picture, in a simple brown frame, done by a man named Walter Rayne, that sits on my window sill above my sink in my kitchen. It is a picture of an empty tomb where Christ was laid to rest, and on that tomb the cloth that he was wrapped in, and the picture is called "He is not here;for he is risen.... This picture, this sentence out of Mathew 28 is so important to me. This to me, may be one of the important pieces of truth that I know. Jesus Christ himself made it clear to Martha when he found her weeping over the death of her brother Lazarus.

Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:
And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?

I have grown up with this gospel, and when I heard these things and was ever asked if I thought they were true I thought to myself "of course its true" I never really asked myself why I think its true. Its like when my husband and I finally, after 6 years of being married, took our little family through the temple to have them sealed to us. I was so grateful to have the knowledge that if anything were to happen to me or my husband or even one of my children, it would be okay. But when something did happen, that knowledge, that faith that I held on to so strongly was shaken. It is one thing to believe it, and know it with all of your heart, but when I actually had to apply it to my life, when I actually had to live the "just in case", it was alot harder than I thought. I had to keep reminding myself of what I had been telling myself for years. That my son, our loved ones, every one who we have ever loved will rise again.

" When Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.
When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled,
And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.
Jesus wept."

Jesus wept..... Jesus the man who healed the sick, caused the blind to see, and would soon raise the dead. He wept with them, and for their sorrows. So I am learning that it is okay for me to weep, to have moments of sadness, but I still know without a doubt, with every bone in my body, that someday..... my son will rise.

“And he that was dead came forth” This is why this simple picture in a simple frame is my favorite. Not just because I have read of the miracle of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, or of the angels saying to them as they found christs tomb empty" Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen" It is my favorite because I believe it. I believe it with all of my might, mind and soul. I have put my trust in the lord and I know that the lord never breaks his promises. The lord did not promise me a long life with my son, he didn't promise me a life without pains or sorrows, or death, but he did promise that who ever shall believe in him, shall have everlasting life. That is my goal now. To remember these promises and strive each day to be worthy of living with my perfect son who is waiting for me. To raise my children I have been blessed with as best as I can in righteousness, to love my eternal companion unconditionally. I am grateful for this knowledge, I am grateful for my mother who has raise me with the gospel, I am grateful for my heavenly father trusting me with these spirits to raise, and to love, and to teach.

But most importantly I am grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for all of man kind, because of him someday, I will be able to say the words about my own son....... "He is not here, but is risen" Happy Easter...

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I find myself thinking of my son often these days. I can not help but worry about was is yet to come with all of these wars and natural disasters the world is experiencing. I read the headlines "Families still searching for loved ones", or " I was helpless as my child was taken from my arms" after the tsunami in American Samoa. I watch my friend as she buries her son I see the look his fathers face as he places the dirt in the grave of his beloved child. What heart breaking experiences we go through and stories we read about these days. As I see these things and watch the news I am understanding more and more each day that everyone , everywhere, no matter who we are, where we live or the color of our skin, will one time or another experience sorrows and pain. And as much as I have hated the sorrows and have had my faith shaken almost beyond no return , I know that without pain, there is no joy. When I lost my son almost 2 years ago, I found myself regretting the fact that I ever had children at all. I remember screaming at my parents for even bringing me into this earth, where we are susceptible to pain, and heartbreaks and sorrows. But as time has passed by and pain has softened, I know that I wouldn't trade these children for anything in the world. They are what life is about. These children ease the sorrows, and make the pain we go through worth the struggle. The time I spent with my son for the 7 months that he was physically here, was the most important months of his Mortal Life. My Davis was already a perfect spirit, he was already righteous enough to not have to go through the experience of "This Life." At a fire side once I listened as the speaker talked about the things that are the most important for us to do, in order to make it home(heaven) again, and the first one is to obtain a body. We must become mortal in order to eventually become immortal. And my child passing before the age of accountability, has promised his glory. What comfort it is to know where my son and his perfect spirit resides until I am with him again. I often think about the words of a song in my mind when I see, or hear of people and communities in such pain.

" This is not my home,

its not where I belong,

windows and rooms, I'm passing through,

this is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going,

I'm not afraid because I know,

this is my, Temporary Home"

I love those words, because they remind me that my son is not lost to me....he is home. I am not missing him from my life, rather he is home waiting until my testing on this earth is through, until the lord seems fit to call me home. So all the , natural disasters, wars,rumors of wars,

evil and destruction, sorrow, pain, trials and tribulations this world has to offer, in the end, it will be ok because, This is OUR temporary home!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

So recently while looking at the calender, I noticed that my son Davis, who past away last year,birthday falls on the day of thanksgiving! So for the last month and a half I have been dreading the day! I have been thinking about what a horrible day to celebrate. A day of thanksgiving, but also a reminder that I won't have my son with me on his 2nd birthday! But as I was reading some qoutes from Elder Niel A. Maxwell, I came across one that says.. “The Lord knows our bearing capacity, both as to coping and to comprehending, and He will not give us more to bear than we can manage at the moment, though to us it may seem otherwise. Just as no temptations will come to us from which we cannot escape or which we cannot bear, we will not be given more trials than we can sustain.” So although right now, it may seem otherwise,for me, I know that he will be with me always,in spirit,untill we meet again. And instead of mourning on that day, I will do what we are to do on that day. I will give thanks for the time he was here with me. And for these precious boys that I have been blessed with to raise! So thursday the 26th of november will be a day of not only food,celebration,and pumpkin pies but also a day of remembering all the many things that I am truely Thankful for!!! And a Happy birthday to my son Davis Elaisa Nathan Hola!...... Untill we meet again

Thursday, November 6, 2008

"Sometimes god calms the storm, sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child."

So I have been reading the scriptures like crazy the last couple of months, and I came upon one that I really loved. In D&C 101 Vs 8 it says" In their day of peace they esteemed lightly my counsel; but in the day of their trouble , of nessesity they feel after me." I love this scripture because it teachs me that we should turn to god not only in the mists of our troubles but also in our moments of peace. This is also a great one because evey one will have trials in this lifetime, big or small, that will send us to our knees. I am so grateful for these words of wisdom that we can turn to in the hard times in our lives, and I know that if we stay close to the lord through out our lives we will be prepared to stand steadfast and immoveable even through the thickest storms.