HATE.......

Woke up the other night, and the thought came to my mind...... "My child has died"....... It made my heart stop,it made it hard to breathe,like it was the first time I ever heard that. I HATE not being able to shake this feeling of helplessness.....of overwhelming sorrow. I HATE that when people ask me how many kids I have,I hesitate. 5.... I have 5....... I hate that I have to explain. I dont want to leave him out......I HATE that he would have been 3 next week,and I cant hold him. I HATE the cemetary!!! I HATE that I have to go there!!!!! I HATE driving passed that stupid place. I HATE that I feel guilty for not going to the cemetary more. I HATE all of the thoughts of WHAT IF! What if I was more faithful, would god have put me through such a hard trial? What if I have been a better person? What if I had been a better mother? What if I had checked on him sooner? I HATE that I am not a better mom. I HATE that I cant make my other children enough to be happy and whole again. I HATE that I have to go through these "anniversaries" for the rest of my life.....I HATE that I will never have full peace for the rest of my life on this earth. I HATE that I am forgetting him.......the memories seem so long ago. I wish I could fast foreward through this life,watch what happens and skip through the emotions....I HATE this dreadful feeling!!!! I HATE that I have to keep on going. I HATE that I cant just sleep the days away, where my mind can be in peace,forgetting what has happened. I envy the people I work for. they are old and their journies are almost done. This life is hard.......it is to long.....and its making me BITTER!!!! I HATE that I feel ungrateful for what I have. I am so blessed,but the sorrow sometimes(like right now) covers up the blessings. My heart hurts so bad that I cant see the joy.........but I do know its there......C.S Lewis wrote when his wife dies "Am I grieving in circles? or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if on a spiral,am I going up or down it? How often will the vast emptiness astonish me?