So since my son passed away, every prayer that I say always ends with the plea of no more tragedy in my life. I pray for life to go on as simple and free from sorrows as it can get. What a plea huh! Until one day I was reading some quotes from one of my favorite authors C.S. Lewis. And the quote says " We were promised sufferings, they were part of the program. We were even told, blessed are they that mourn." It was so familiar to me when I came across this quote, because the night that my son passed, I remember holding him in my arms. I was in the room with him for about 20 minutes before anyone from my family got to the hospital,and I remember telling the nurses that god was a liar. I remember screaming that out loud hoping that the lord could hear me. And when the nurse finally asked me what I ment I told her, the lord said he would only give us what we could handle, and this was by far beyond what I could handle. I was so angry with the lord, I was furious that he would take my child from me. But as soon as those words left my mouth, it was like I got a flash back of the pre-existence. I know it may sound crazy but its like I remembered the promises that I was making with the lord, before I came to this world. I imagined the lord saying that there were spirits who only needed to come down for a while, and if there were mothers who would take them,knowing the heartache they would go through,when that spirit was called home. I pictured myself stepping forward and saying, "Me, I will take one." I then imagined the lord showing me that exact moment that I was going through, showing me the scenes from the hospital,when they worked on my son,until there was nothing left to be done and then telling me that he had passed. I pictured the lord saying to me"This is what it is like when he is called home,are you sure you want to do this?" For a moment, maybe even half a moment, I had peace in that hospital room, somehow knowing that this spirit was ment to come to me,that somehow I was preordained to the mother to this sweet little child who only needed a body, who only needed to be here for but a moment, compared to the time I will get with him in the eternities. I think of Emma Smith and all of the trials and tribulations that she witnessed in her time on earth. All of the sweet spirits she lost far to early. In one of C.S Lewis' books he talks about how people go through the "peaks" and the "troughs", meaning times of joy and times of sorrow and mourning, and he tells how people turn to the lord more during the troughs. He also talks about how the lord puts many of his favorites through many troughs. I believe that the troughs make us stronger. They prepare us for the glory and responsibility which lays ahead in the after life. When my son passed away, I began reading many of the teachings of the prophets books, and I found that not only Joseph Smith, but many other prophets have had children who have passed away.I think the lord puts us through trials to give us experiences not only for ourselves but for any one we may come into contact with that we might be able to help with going through that same "trough." It makes me happy to know that Emma Smith is now with all of her sweet spirits who she was away from during her mortal life, I can imagine her up there now, filled with so much joy,that those memories of all the "troughs" ,she suffered are just that...... memories,forgotten and replaced by peace! So through this quote by C.s. Lewis, I am once again learning that it is not my will but the lords will that I must go by. So rather than pray for no more sorrow, no more sadness, no more tragedy, I can just pray for the strength and faith to get passed whatever the lord sees fit to put me through, because "We were promised sufferings, they were a part of the program, we were even told, Blessed are those who mourn"........
